Rather than wait for these terms to die out on their own, the following is a proactive compilation of the missionary errors from the TRC. Feel free to suggest new terms.

Completely erroneous forms including false pronunciations (i.e. they aren't French words) are marked in red; whereas, commonly mixed-up French words (false cognates, for example) are not marked by color. In the headings, where two phrases are given, the erroneous form appears second.

les aliments vs. les Allemands l'Amérique ancienne vs. l'Amérique précolombienne l'ami de l'église vs. l'investigateur l'amour vs. la mort les ancêtres vs. les incestes beaucoup vs. beau cul bénir vs. blesser une colonne de lumière vs. un clown de lumière le collègue vs. le compagnon commet vs. comment divin amour: /dee vee nah moor/ vs. /dee van ah moor/ exceptionnel vs. spécial face-à-face vs. fesse-à-fesse

la foi vs. le foie le Havre vs. le Harve Je sais que.... vs. Jessica Jésus-Christ (and le Christ) vs. Jésus-Christ le message vs. le mensonge au nom de vs. au nome de j'ai bien mangé vs. je suis plein(e) la première discussion la prière vs. le prier le reçu vs. la recette le repentir vs. la repentance le sauveur vs. la saveur vos sujets d'intérêt

les aliments vs. les Allemands

The former means "food"; the latter, "Germans". Just one of many lessons on why missionaries cannot be sloppy with their vowels in French. See: bénir vs. blesser

l'Amérique ancienne vs. l'Amérique précolombienne

This is not technically wrong, but it definitely sounds odd. Imagine a three-year-old coming up to you and telling you that he had a "unusual proclivity for sagacious dicta", but still felt "an irrepressible inclination toward vociferous lamentation at the thought of nocturnal repose". Needless to say, you'd probably have a heart attack.

That's about the same effect the word précolombien(ne) has in French. Just consider how many times you've said "Precolumbian America" in English—probably none. Just use l'Amérique ancienne, and leave the ten-dollar words to Elder Maxwell.

(Of course, the real question is: why is this creeping back in the first place? There have been no references to this in the discussions since the 1970s. It's simply bizarre that anyone would try to bring it back now....)

l'ami de l'église vs. l'investigateur

This is either an anglicism or a false cognate that keeps creeping back into missionary language. It's simply wrong. An investigateur is a police detective—no matter what missionaries who serve in other parts of the Francophone world may think.

l'amour vs. la mort

The first means "love", the second means "death". It's an easy pair to confuse. The "ou" in the former makes an "oo" sound. The "ort" in the latter is more like "or" in English. See: bénir vs. blesser

les ancêtres vs. les incestes

This one was passed along by Bill Richardson, who served in Montréal. Apparently, an elder intended to talk about the ancestors (ancêtres) of the Indians in a discussion about the Book of Mormon. The investigator was rightly confused by the elder's description and wondered why we would be interested in such a salacious topic and what exactly those Indians were up to.

beaucoup vs. beau cul

The first means "much", "a lot", the second is vulgar for "beautiful posterior". Again, the "ou" sounds like "oo", but the "u" sounds like a really short "ew" -- which given its meaning may be the easiest way to remember the difference.

bénir vs. blesser

The former means "to bless"; the latter, "to injure". This verb has been combined by missionaries with two of our other entries to create some interesting prayers, such as:

Blesse les Allemands. - "Injure the Germans."

Blesse cette famille avec la mort. - "Harm this family with death."

instead of:

Bénis ces aliments. - "Bless this food."

Bénis cette famille avec l'amour. - "Bless this family with love."

le collègue vs. le compagnon

Although this is thoroughly ingrained in every RM's vocabulary and is standard usage at the MTC, times have changed and the term compagnon when used around non-members may carry unintended sexual overtones that missionaries should not convey. Around non-members, collègue is a preferable substitute.

une colonne de lumière vs. un clown de lumière

This is probably a one-time error by some elders in the TRC, but it's a cute one worth relating. un clown de lumière is a "clown of light". [It's bad enough that our detractors accuse Joseph Smith of seeing an angel of light of the type in 2 Corinthians 11:14 - let alone, a "clown of light".]

Remember, it's colonne /ko lun/ "column, pillar", not:

clown /kloon/ "clown"

colon /ko lõ/ "colonel", "colonist", "summer camper"

Colomb /ko lõ/ "Columbus"

côlon /ko lõ/ "colon"

commet vs. comment

The former is "commits" and is pronounced /kuh may/. The latter is "how" and is pronounced /kuh mã/ (see the French pronunciation guide). The first missionary discussion for most of the 1990s had the line: Dans cette vie, tout le monde commet des péchés. Not comment.

divin amour: /dee vee nah moor/ vs. /dee van ah moor/

First heard in French Sunday School in the BYU Foreign Language Housing, this mistake has been carried back to the MTC. The hymn Our Savior's Love is «Divin Amour» in French, and the only correct way to pronounce it is /dee vee nah moor/. The liaison is obligatory, and it sounds ugly without it.

exceptionnel vs. spécial

Missionaries used to say quite often that Joseph Smith était un homme spécial. Although they meant that "Joseph Smith was a special man," spécial often means "crazy" in French, and in the context of the First Vision, it's probably among the worst things to tell an ami de l'église. exceptionnel would be much better.

face-à-face vs. fesse-à-fesse

This is simple: Joseph Smith spoke with God and Jesus Christ face-à-face (face-to-face) not fesse-à-fesse (cheek-to-cheek, in the posterior sense).

la foi vs. le foie

Joseph Smith went into the woods to pray because he had une grande foi (a great faith), not un grand foie (a big liver). Worse still are the missionaries who mix up bois (woods) and boîte (tavern, among other meanings). Together with the confusing verb (se) rendre, in the old discussions, a missionary instead of saying:

Un matin de printemps, Joseph Smith se rend dans un petit bois, non loin de chez lui. [....] Comme il a une grande foi, il croit que Dieu répondra à sa prière.

(One spring morning, Joseph Smith went into a grove of trees close to his home. [....] Because of his great faith, he fully expected God to answer his prayer.)

could have said:

Un matin de printemps, Joseph Smith rend dans une petite boîte, non loin de chez lui. [....] Comme il a un grand foie, il croit que Dieu répondra à sa prière.

(One spring morning, Joseph Smith threw up in a small bar close to his home. [....] Because of his swollen liver, he fully expected God to answer his prayer.)

Not a pleasant picture, indeed.

le Havre vs. le Harve

This is easily the most mispronounced town name in the mission. Usually, missionaries slaughter it as: /luh harv/ with a really audible "h" on the second word. The "h" is silent and the "v" comes before the "r". It takes practice but you can get it.

Other towns with confusing names:

Reims, Rennes, Rouen

Sister Jones, the wife of the mission president from 1991 to 1994, jokingly referred to them as "reams, rents, and ruin". Respectively, they should be roughly pronounced: /ri~s/ /ren/ and /rwã/ (see the French pronunciation guide). Remember to use a uvular "r".

Auxerre, Bruxelles

Some missionaries who have served there tell me that the natives pronounce the "x" as /ks/. L'Académie prefers /s/ instead. The jury is still out.

Je sais que.... vs. Jessica

From time to time, an unusual sort of identity crisis crops up in the TRC. Missionaries stop recognizing people and start calling all the investigators, "Jessica", as in: Jessica, l'Église est vraie. Jessica, le Livre de Mormon est vrai. This is disturbing for all the investigators not named Jessica, and especially for the ones who were male. Please avoid creating identity crises and take care on the vowels. It's /zhuh say kuh/ not /dzhes i kuh/.

Jésus-Christ (and le Christ) vs. Jésus-Christ

Though returned missionaries and French speakers get this wrong all the time, it should be really simple. The second part of the name Jésus-Christ is always pronounced "Cree" - the "st" should never be said. Thus, «Église de Jésus-Christ» is /ay-gleez duh zhay-zü-kree/.

In contrast, to say "Christ" (by itself), le Christ (always use the article), you have to pronounce all the letters, like the English word "creased".

This is verified in the 6th edition of the Dictionnaire de l'Académie Française (1835), if there's any doubt.

Mme Thompson, a native French speaker from Bretagne and language instructor at BYU, has suggested that the false pronunciation within the Church of Jésus-Christ was started by the missionaries who didn't know any better and has been subsequently reinforced by their converts who were also ignorant of the pronunciation rules.

le message vs. le mensonge

This one was passed along by Eve Ross. At the TRC, one of the elders, trying to get the hang of French nasals, was overdoing it by nasalizing everything. After struggling through the Joseph Smith story, he tried to ask, "Will you pray to know if this message is true?" His overnasalization only changed the meaning of one of the words: "ce message" became "ce mensonge" ("this message" became "this lie"). Eve refrained from quipping, "No, since you've already told me it's a lie, I don't feel a need to pray about it."

au nom de vs. au nome de

The first (the "o" is nasalized, but "m" is not pronounced) means "in the name of". The second (with the "m" pronounced) means "in the Greek administrative region of". Obviously, don't say the "m".

j'ai bien mangé vs. je suis plein(e)

Missionaries at dinner appointments often fall in the trap of translating "I'm full" word-for-word as je suis plein(e). This phrase can be interpreted to mean "I'm drunk" or "I'm pregnant". Of course, drunk or pregnant missionaries aren't exactly common, and it would be better to keep it that way. Use j'ai bien mangé ("I ate well") instead.

la première discussion

Missionaries at the TRC often tell the investigator at the door, that they are there to give them la première discussion. Clearly, no non-member will have a clue what you mean by "the first discussion". Just keep that in mind when you're out knocking doors....

One possible alternative is: donner une présentation sur notre église. There are certainly many others.

la prière vs. le prier

From time to time, the missionaries oddly take to saying le prier and un prier as /pree-yay/. Maybe this is a matter of conservation of all the R's, that the missionaries added to words where they didn't belong.

In any case, the noun is la prière /la pree-yair/; the verb is prier /pree-yay/.

le reçu vs. la recette

This one was passed along by Bill Richardson, who served in Montréal. An elder apparently asked a gas station attendant for the latter. (Oh, those wonderful missions where the missionaries actually have cars!)

Though the other elders and sisters gave him a lot of grief over using the wrong word, a look in the French dictionary indicated that recette can in fact in certain circumstances be used as the word for "receipt" in English. Nevertheless, it's not advisable. («Voyons....c'est 13 pour cent hexane, 30 pour cent heptane, 42 pour cent octane, ....»)

le repentir vs. la repentance

La repentance used to be acceptable French, but the key phrase here is used to be. The Thresor de la langue françoyse, tant ancienne que moderne (1606), as well as three editions of the Dictionnaire de L'Académie Française (1694, 1798, 1835), all attest to the validity of the word. However, it's clear that the word was dying out even back then. In 1694, the Académie's comment on the word was: Il vieillit. ("It's becoming archaic.") In 1798 and in 1835, they said: On ne s'en sert guère que dans le langage de la Piété. ("It's hardly ever used except ecclesiastically.")

Granted, the Church is certainly an ecclesiastical context, but the word is so moribund, that even the French translation of the Book of Mormon has switched to le repentir. Go and do thou likewise.

le sauveur vs. la saveur

The former means "savior" and rhymes with "rover". The latter means "flavor" and rhymes (appropriately?) with "cadaver". It's just too strange to hear missionaries say: J'aime mon saveur. "I love 'my taste'." which leads most investigators to think: "Gee, that's nice, but I've already had lunch."

vos sujets d'intérêt

A plethora of missionaries fall into the trap of asking Quels sont vos sujets d'intérêt? Among some of the more natural ways to say this in French are:

Quels sont vos intérêts?

Quels sont vos passe-temps?